If you can get through the grit, there is a positive message at the end of this post, I promise.
I wish there was more I was excited about from the past year, but aside from graduating massage school, there just really isn’t that much I can look back fondly on. I experienced one of the deepest depressive episodes I have had in some time. It started early in the summer. I wondered how I was going to survive it, because suicide was on my mind every day. To be sure, if there were an easy and clean way to do it, I can’t guarantee I’d be here today.
I have never been very open about my depression. But now I know how important it is to have a support system. I used to hide it all, to bury it with fake smiles and laughter.
Robin Williams once said, “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy. Because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anybody else to feel like that.”
I realized more than ever that I had taken on that role in my life; but I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to be honest and real with people about how much pain I was in.
One significant hole in my life was the lack of babies. I had spent the last 5 years trying to talk my husband into having babies and I was done. By August I was pregnant and I was over the moon. Every piece of sadness, anxiety, and insecurity simply vanished. The day I got a positive test I felt complete, whole. I knew, despite my husbands reservations, everything would be OK.
The first miscarriage rocked our world.
Indeed, when it rains it pours and the next several months challenged us more than ever, the miscarriage being only the beginning. There were moments when I wondered if we would make it. I was ready to pack my bags and leave. He was too. Were we just prolonging the inevitable by “toughing” it out? There were late night talks, the kinds of talks that make you realize you are seeing each other for the very first time. I was permanently puffy from all the tears. There was talk of therapy together, something I had fought long for, hoping it would help him realize how much a baby meant to me. But how could I have a baby with someone who so clearly didn’t want one with me? Was I supposed to just live the rest of my life feeling empty and broken? Surely that’s not what God wanted for me. I couldn’t accept that answer.
It was a scary time, definitely. Would we last? Would he change his mind? Would I learn to be content? Would we work as a couple to fix our troubles?
Life decided for us, because I found out I was pregnant again, this time it was by accident. 2018 has been the year of honesty for me, and I honestly took matters into my own hands with the first pregnancy. (I don’t suggest doing this…)
When it happens by accident though, you both just have to accept it and get ready for the ride. And my husband, being the stand-up guy that he is, did just that. While I wish the first miscarriage would never have happened, I can say it made us face each other more than we ever had before. So I can’t deny the good that came from it. It also prepared him more for the next time, because his support was insanely better the second time around.
Again, I felt at complete peace. For someone who has lived so much of her life in anxiety, fear, depression, and angst, this peace was a beautiful welcome. We started to plan and prepare for the next chapter of our lives, actually discussing plans together rather than tip-toeing around the subject like before.
The second miscarriage sent shock waves to my core.
But instead of wanting to run away and start a new life without my husband, we grew closer. Whatever support I needed, he was right there. He never left my side. He doesn’t always have the right words, or even any words, to help guide me through the darkness, but I am more convinced than ever of his love and commitment to me. We are closer than ever. There will be children in our future; children that are wanted by both of us.
2018 was basically full of the lowest lows I’ve ever been through…and I’ve been through some shit. I started to list some of it, but realized that’s a whole other post for another day.
It was the year that made us realize our marriage is worth fighting for. It brought us some real challenges. At one point he told me he didn’t even know who I was anymore. I told him I wasn’t sure I could stay with someone who was so adamant about denying me something so innate and natural. When you can speak those honest words with each other and still come out strong, you know you have something special, something that is worth it.
2018 taught me what it really means to be open and vulnerable, and I think that is something we all need more of. Privacy is good, of course. But when we can all admit our struggles, we become closer. We realize we are not alone. Quit telling everyone you are fine if you are not. How can you get support if no one knows you need it?
2018 made me realize who I am and what I want. It made me realize who really supports me. It made me see what my weaknesses are. As it turns out, they are also my greatest strengths, and now I know how to better utilize them. 2018 made me reach out, dig deep, and answer tough questions about myself and my faith. 2018 made me appreciate second chances. 2018 made me realize it’s OK to not be OK. It made me understand patience.
I’m ending this year beaten up and broken, but full of lessons learned. I do wish there was an easier way to have learned them. But like I have always said, “I will take the good with the bad, the highs with the lows, the ebbs with the flows. I will take every challenge if it brings something good. I will take every fight that brings joy. I will take the darkness because I know eventually the sun rises.”
OK, I don’t always say all of that, but it’s a nice way to end and move forward don’t you think?