I was in 8th grade. I was vibrant. I was lively. I loved to write. I loved to talk. I hadn’t been shot down yet by mean kids. I was who I was and felt pretty good about it.
I had an English teacher who encouraged my voice. Whenever it was time to share I was always called on. Whenever we were having discussions I was loud and opinionated. I don’t remember if my opinions or writings were really all that remarkable, at 13 years old how groundbreaking could I be? But it didn’t matter, because I didn’t know there was any other way to be.
I don’t remember how, when, or why but one day I was told by a fellow classmate that I was too loud. They told me the whole class thought I was annoying and obnoxious. I was told to be quiet.
8th grade Melissa was completely crushed. I may look and act fierce, but I am a delicate sensitive flower and to think my peers were talking about me behind my back about how annoying I was completely threw me. As if Junior High and puberty wasn’t hard enough, now I had been told I was annoying.
Whenever I think about why I am silent in settings that call for noise, how I would freeze when auditioning for musicals in school, even freezing at my recent audition for an instructor at a fitness studio, my mind races back to some random day in 8th grade when a mean kid crushed my soul.
My family and close friends will tell you I am anything but quiet, shy, or timid. They will tell you how loud and opinionated I still am and how I love to be the center of attention, how I want to be in control, and make the decisions. They will tell you how I want everyone to have fun, be comfortable, and go for your dreams!
I am this way around family because they can’t reject me, they aren’t allowed to. And my friends have picked me BECAUSE of these traits, not in spite of them.
But out in the world, surrounded by strangers, I am a very different Melissa. They don’t know me, so they can reject me, and no one likes rejection. 8th grade Melissa was rejected because of her personality. So surely, 20, 25, 32 year old Melissa would be rejected as well.
In my last blog I talked about “woo-hoo” girls and how I wish they would just calm down. I said I’m not one, and I’m fine with that. But the the truth is, I think I would have been a “woo-hoo” girl if I hadn’t have been shot down for being my true self in 8th grade. I’m an entertainer by nature; I always wanted to be a dancer, an actress, a singer, someone who could just get up on stage, without hesitation, because she knew she had something amazing to offer. I want to be the girl who gets you going, or even the girl who just gets herself going and doesn’t care what everyone around her thinks.
The other day in cycling class we were asked what is holding you back from achieving your dreams? The first word that popped into my head was insecurity.
We were asked if we could throw it away. Could we ride over it? Smash it? Leave it behind?
It’s challenging to let lifelong struggles go. It takes time, practice, work, and patience. But it’s completely doable. I’m already taking steps to let insecurity go by sharing my thoughts here, on my blog, with whoever wants to read them, instead of just with my mom, who has always been my biggest cheerleader.
I have many goals to accomplish in 2019. But the one at the top of my list? To kick insecurity in the ass. You will control me no longer. You will not hold me back anymore. I will run over you, ride over you, smash you, and let you go.
Will I face rejection? Absolutely.
Will some people find me annoying? Who cares.
Will I feel good about putting myself out there? Not at first…but with practice you bet I will!
So my question to you is: What is holding you back from achieving your dreams? Can you leave it behind? Can you tell it you are done letting it run your life? Take small steps to take back control. Motivation comes from being accountable, so tell people what you are kicking to the curb for 2019. Let me be your cheerleader! We all need some type of “woo-hoo” girl in our lives, even if we think they are annoying. Let me be so annoying to you that you accomplish what you set out for just to shut me up. I got you.