I have beef with the term “at least.” I suppose maybe I’ve never liked the phrase, but it was when people started using it when they found out about my miscarriages that I really came to loath it. I know people only meant well. I understand that when someone is coping with tragedy and heartache it can be incredibly difficult to know what to say and how to respond. As humans, we want to find the positive (generally). Well-meaning friends would say things like:
“At least you can get pregnant.”
Or my personal favorite
“At least it happened early and you weren’t that attached yet.” Yes, someone actually said that to me. I still cringe when I think about it, because I really like that person. But it took everything within me to not punch them in the throat when they uttered those hurtful inconsiderate words.
I would say it to myself as well. I told myself at least I hadn’t heard a heartbeat or felt it move. At least I wasn’t farther along. At least I the first one got us more prepared for the second time…at least I got pregnant easily and it was hopefully a simple hormonal issue. I should count my blessings right?
Um, no, screw that mentality. And I am here to tell you that you don’t have to go around thinking you should just count your blessings when something bad happens.
Life is hard. Really really hard. I don’t know what you are going through on any given day and vice versa. Some days it’s a struggle to get out of bed for me. Some days it’s all I can do to get through work and life without breaking down in tears. I feel it all welling up inside me, I shake, I grit my teeth, smile and say I’m fine. The anxiety races through my mind and I wonder if I could drive off a cliff somewhere close because I cannot bear the thought of spending another day inside my head.
But at least I have a warm home at the end of the day. At least I have food to eat. At least I don’t have cancer. At least I have family and friends that love me.
I should be grateful, right? I have it pretty good.
But to ignore your difficult days, to cover them over with phrases like, “At least I have my health” negates what you are going through. Stop burying your heartache, your pain, or your anger because society says to look for the positive. The whole “No negativity” movement going on right now irks me. Sure…I don’t think living in negativity is the answer. And that’s not what I’m saying you or I or anyone should do.
I can take each terrible, anxiety-ridden day along with each wonderful day and live with whatever emotion I feel like showing. Some days I have all my sh*t so together that I completely amaze myself. I accomplish everything I set out to do, and then some. I feel great, my attitude is positive, and I love living. The only cliffs I want are the ones that show me beautiful views so I can post it on my Instagram. (Those are the days I’ve usually started with a cycling class in the morning. No joke, if you haven’t done it, I highly suggest you try…I never leave a class feeling sad, even if I enter the room wanting to die).
Then there are the days where every person in the world makes me angry. Every smile from a stranger makes me want to cry, because I don’t want to smile. Every item on my to-do list sends me into a panic. Every beautiful thing going right in my life pisses me off, and I feel guilty because society tells me to appreciate it more.
I spend those days trying to hide the anger, frustration, and pain, only to break down and let it all out anyway, usually after I down a bottle of wine and cry to my husband in bed that night. I am not doing anyone any favors by bottling and then releasing my emotions that way.
These days I’ve stopped with that bullsh*t “positive-vibes” only mentality. If I’m having a bad day, I’m going to let that bad run it’s course. Every bad, every good, every mediocre, every amazing, every breathtaking, every depressing, every frustrating day I have is allowed to have it’s moment.
The real test is what I do with those moments. I choose to sit with them, whatever feeling they may evoke. I choose to let them happen. I choose to take the lesson I’m going to learn from them. I choose to cry when I feel like crying. I choose to be pissed off that some client no-showed for a 90 minute massage. I choose to be irritated my dogs got mud on the floor. I choose to be pissed some douche nugget is driving 60 in the fast lane. I choose to be offended because I wasn’t invited to something. I choose to feel sad and jealous of every pregnant person I know and see. I choose all of this because when I ignore it, it doesn’t actually go away. It KEEPS. COMING. BACK. TO. MY. MIND. But when I consciously acknowledge my feelings, it becomes easier to let them go. When I intentionally acknowledge I am human and have imperfect feelings, it becomes easier for me to move on from them.
I cannot NOT feel. I cannot ONLY feel positive. I cannot JUST be grateful for the clothes on my back. I cannot say “AT LEAST” one more time. To feel every emotion, even the negative ones, does not make you a bad person. It just makes you human. So feel it, hold it, cry about it, scream about it, and let it go.