A common sentiment I see after parents have their first baby is: “We don’t know what we did before this crying pooping pile of adorable-ness entered our lives.” (I added some of my own sentiments there...)
When I’m posting cute pictures of my sweet smiling or sleeping baby of course I’m talking about how much I love him. But I have a hard time saying: “What was life before him?” I’ve wondered what that meant for me. Did I not appreciate my changed circumstances? Did I not love and adore my little anti-sleep monster? I had always wanted a baby...did it mean I had made a mistake?
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about that and what I’ve come to realize is this: I remember exactly what I did before I had a baby. And that is 100% ok.
My husband and I traveled. We weren’t world travelers, but we did several nice big trips and lots of smaller ones before little dude came along. We camped plenty as well. The freedom and ability to book and go was there. I don’t mind traveling with kids, but I don’t believe it’ll happen as easily or as frequently as before, especially in a post-covid world.
I did whatever I wanted. I hiked, I ran, I went to studios to work out, I worked my business. I came and went with ease, because I could. My dogs and I explored the trails around us. I was so busy but it was with all with things I enjoyed. Now? I mean, I don’t even need to explain how that is so not happening now with a baby. Especially since I work super part-time and don’t like being away from him just for that, let alone longer to go running or hiking. I haven’t mastered the hiking with baby skill yet. I’ll get there eventually but even then, it’s going to be different, obviously.
I slept. Oh lord I slept.
My house was clean.
We went out with friends, sometimes till 2/3 am.
I cooked yummy food.
We rode our bikes to a bar downtown for Friyay nights.
It’s so different now. I knew that would happen, clearly. And I was ready for the next phase of life, the next season.
But to say I don’t know what we did before he brought this new level of joy and meaning to our lives is a lie. I thoroughly enjoyed my life before. And now? I enjoy it in a completely new way. If not for the fact that my biological clock was ticking, I would have loved to wait. But nature is nature and it doesn’t wait for anything.
I love my son more than anything. His smiles, his little giggles, the way he puts his hand over his face to sleep (when he sleeps)....All of it makes my heart melt/burst/and ache all at the same time. Every stage of his fresh life has been so amazing to watch, even with the sheer exhaustion it brings.
But it’s ok to admit I loved things before. It’s ok to admit I look forward to more freedom again in the future. But for now, I’ll revel in the chapter we’re in. I’ll soak it up: watching him learn, watch, and grow. He brings us a new purpose in life; One that I believe we were ready for. Coming and going without regard for a little human can get boring. He gives us a fresh take on life. And I’m thankful for that.
